Wherein I Attempt To Review Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen

Here I try my hand at producing a coherent review of Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen.

I use the phrase “try my hand” because I believe this movie does not lend itself to typical forms of criticism. This is evidenced by the myriad of terrible reviews this film has been receiving. As of this writing, it holds a 20% at the movie review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes.

Most reviews cite the film as being “big”, “loud”,” incomprehensible” and as one whose “subject is as blatant and consistent as [its] cluttered mise-en-scene.”

Whatever the hell that means.

Even one of history’s greatest movie critics, and my personal favorite, Roger Ebert, even states that “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a horrible experience of unbearable length… The plot is incomprehensible. The dialog… is meaningless word flap.”

To borrow a phrase, all these reviews are “meaningless word flap.” Michael Bay has created what I believe to be a critic proof movie, and all that these men and women are really saying is that they just don’t get what Transformers is supposed to be all about.

In that vein, let me turn this review into a quick lesson.

This is Optimus Prime. He’s something we call a “giant robot”.

And this is Megatron. He’s another giant fucking robot.

These guys beat the shit out of each other and, in the process, produce these:

They’re called explosions.

The more of these “giant robots” there are in a movie, the more “explosions” there will be, and the more the audience will enjoy.

Finally, we come to Devastator, the giantest of all robots, because he’s made out of a bunch of smaller, yet still giant robots.

The existance of Devastator proves that there is no reason to dislike this movie.

Let’s recap, shall we?

Giant Robot + Giant Robot = Explosions = GOOD TIMES.

And since director Michael Bay makes his living out of blowing shit up, explosions abound.

I congratulate Michael Bay on directing the film he was born to direct: one that replaces any semblance of plot with explosions and still comes out on top. Sir, I salute you.

8.5/10

Also, the robots transform into cars and shit. Did I forget to mention that?

Transform And Roll Out.

Star Trek: A Review

If you know me at all, you know that I am an impassioned Star Wars fan. Ever sincLucas re-released the films in 1997, I have been hooked. A lot of people hated the fact that he released the Special Editions, but I’m glad he did, since that allowed me to experience the films for the first time.

But that’s neither here nor there.

The point is I am a Star Wars fan, first and foremost. And at the beginning of my fanhood, despite not seeing much of its content, I hated on Star Trek, like most Star Wars fans do. I demonized the other camp, like you do when you’re young. However, as time passed I exposed myself to more and more Star Trek and  it wasn’t as bad as the conclusions I had jumped to. Of course, it was very 60s and campy. To wit:

But regardless, it was a decent show. The movies and spin-off series were decidedly less campy, and thus easier to watch. With the notable exception of Enterprise. Screw Enterprise.

But the problem with every Trek iteration is that it is, at heart, fundamentally boring. There is a lot of social and political discussion inherent to every plot (more so in The Next Generation), and not enough fanciful action that, in my opinion, should be present in the typical Space Opera.

I want to watch a movie, not a lecture.

Which is where J.J. Abrams comes in.

Abrams  is, as evidenced by repeated references  his previous works, a Star Wars fan in the same tradition as I. Except he has the power to move and shake things.  Of course, he will never get to direct his own version of the Star Wars trilogy. And, as such, Trek is the closest thing he can get to living the dream.

J.J. Abrams has taken Star Trek and turned it into Star Wars.

Gone are the laborious, plodding “action” sequences, and the stuffy socio-political discussions. In their place are high octane thrillfests and compelling interpersonal social drama.

Star Trek takes the old series and turns it on his head, while still keeping with a lot of things that make Star Trek what it is.

If you’ve followed any of the internet buzz, you will know that this story is one that involves Time Travel, something very familiar to the Trek mythos.” City on the Edge of Forever” being the most familiar example.

The film’s main villain travels back in time from the post-Picard era to pre-Kirk times and ends up changing the history of the Enterprise’s crew, most notably James Tiberius Kirk. What makes this entire idea a brilliant one is that the events of this film create an entirely new, parallel continuity. The events of the original series and films remain untouched and in-canon for their own reality, so that any changes that Abrams and his writers Krutzman and Orci (Transformers) make, cannot be disputed by the encyclopedic knowledge of the Trek fanbase.

But I digress. J.J. Abrams has given the Trek franchise, one seen as failing since the cancellation of Enterprise, a much needed shot in the arm. He has returned the franchise to its origin with a youthful, character-rich cast as well as non-stop action. By doing this he manages to please not only the oldguard Trekkies, but also usher in new converts to the cause. But his biggest and most important accomplishment is clearly breaking the odd number curse that has plagued the Trek movies for so long.

I’ve liked Star Trek, but never found a reason to love it. Abrams has fixed this problem.

I recommend this film with the highest regard. A high point with which to usher in the summer movie season.

Live Long And Prosper.

Work Of Fiction: Fool’s Gold

Here is a short, well, relatively, story I’ve been working on for some time now. It’s a science fiction piece, as per my usual, called Fool’s Gold. That’s a tenative title there, in case I come up with something better. Probably not.

I’ve posted a link to the story down there in PDF format. Questions, compliments, criticisms, complaints and death threats are all welcome.

If you care to read it, do so and let me know what you think.

If you like it, link it to your friends.

If you don’t like it, and you hate your friends, then link it to your friends.

Fools_Gold.PDF (95 kb)

Ganesh Out.

The Final Skylon

According to the BBC, the European Space Agency has pledged an investment of 1 million Euros to Reaction Engines, who will use the money to produce the ‘Skylon’ space plane concept.

Besides the scifi-esque name and the fact that it looks like a marriage between Queen Amidala’s starship and KITT from Knight Rider, there’s a lot of reasons to be excited about the Skylon. The engine it uses is a brand new concept: a hybridzation of jet and rocket propulsion. When in Earth’s atmosphere, the engines act as a jet intake, and use the oxygen acquired as fuel for its rockets. Once out of the atmosphere, it reverts to standard rocket fare: using liquid oxygen and hydrogen fuels.

What drew my eye to the concept, however, is its reusability. To date, the Space Shuttle is the only reusable manned space craft ever built, unless you want to get techincal and count the Buran. I don’t.

The Shuttle’s successor, the Constellation Program’s Orion, will be significantly less reusable, at ten flights per capsule. In addition, both the shuttle and Orion require the use of throwaway booster rockets which, as you can imagine are damned expensive.

The Skylon, though, is a single stage to orbit craft. It is designed to take off from a runway on Earth, reach speeds of Mach 5.5, then boost into orbit, deposit its payload and land on back on the runway. What’s more, it should be reusable up to 200 times, with a turnaround time of only two days. While most people tout the efficiency of multi-stage rockets, it should be noted that the Skylon doesn’t fit the standard definition of rocket or plane. I came up with the word ‘rocketoplane’, but that sounds stupid, even for me.

The funding for a new space plane concept is always good news, since most other concepts in the field have been scrapped, deprived of funding, or destroyed. The only one worth mentioning is Boeing’s X-37/X-40A, which will be undergoing low orbit tests later this year.

While it might not be the solution for long-term space stays, the Skylon certainly is a giant leap forward in terms of easier, quicker to-orbit travel. Of course, further developments down the line could make the Skylon less of an orbital ferry and nudge it toward space ship territory. But one can only hope.

A Skylon demonstration engine is set to be built by 2011.

(All images stolen from the BBC without consent.)

Ganesh Out.

LHCs and PRTs

I love the idea of the Large Hadron Collider. Despite its repeated delays, I was patiently awaiting its launch, just to see what such a gigantic, powerful particle collider could do. Certainly it wouldn’t reveal any strings but, if anything, we’d be able to get a little more insight into dark energy, supersymmetry and all that good stuff. Maybe even a Higgs Boson or two? No?

Like I said, I love the idea of the Large Hadron Collider. But reality has a nasty tendency to repeatedly dash your hopes. The real LHC refuses to live up to the unreasonably high potential I’ve set for it. Since its year-late power-up and inaugural proton beam collision back in September, the LHC has not produced results, except doomsayers amusing claims of universal destruction.  (Note: That’s a fun link.) Nine days after the start up, they shut it down due to a coolant leak and electrical fault

And now CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, whose acronym doesn’t even make sense anymore, has announced that the restart of the LHC will be postponed from the planned Summer back to Octoberr of 2009, adding a year to the delay. A short time span in the long run, to be certain, but it will take 3 years of experiments for scientists to gather enough data to confirm the presence of the Higgs Boson. If the LHC had been on the schedule it seems to repeatedly miss, we might have been halfway to a complete Standard Model by now.Maybe this all just boils down to impatience on my part. In fact, I’m sure it does. But my point still stands. While building the most complex mahine known to man, there are bound to be some kinks along the way, but I would assume they had put enough minds to task to iron out anything serious before launch, unfortunately that’s not the case.

In other news, a firm known as Systematica is set to roll out a Personal Rapid Transit system in  Masdar City, Abu Dhabi. Masdar City is a planned urban development started in 2006 and set to be habitation-ready later this year. The City is planned to be completely solar powered and run on an emission-free, zero-waste model. In addition, no cars will be allowed to run in the city, at all, with public transit systems such as the PRT being the transportation alternative. I guess the concept art guys who did the mock-up above didn’t get the “No Cars” Memo.

My biggest gripe with this is that I am certain that it will take an unreasonably long time for America to adopt any of these concepts or policies, despite our obvious need to. The only foray we’ve had in PRT technology is an ancient 1975 relic in West Virgina that’s seen better days.

America’s technology has hit an unimaginable stagnation. (Of course,  the exception is the iPod. A new one of those comes out every damned month.) This is ridiculous, not to mention crippling due to our oil addiction. If we were just a little more open to public transit, a PRT could certainly diminsh our ludicrous carbon footprint. This is why most new urban innovations seem to be coming from the Middle East these days. A city like Masdar would never work in the U.S.

Zero-Carbon Emissions? No thanks, COMRADE.

All that aside, it’s always good to see some people trying to improve sustainability while simultaneously providing us with some impressive future tech.

The future is now. Just not in America.

Ganesh Out.

RANT: Space Buddies

And now, I present you with a rant. The rant of course, is a term which dates back to the late 16th Century when Francis Quarterfield, the then Earl of Ranthford  engaged in a 15 minute tirade in opposition of certain English financial policies. He completed his extended argument by calling Queen Elizabeth a “miserable cunt”.

But I digress.

If any of you watch television, you may have in the off chance stumbled upon an ad for this film. If not, I’ve provided it here for your viewing pleasure.

…

What the fuck.

Are you serious? Do we really need this, Disney?

If you’re a child of the 80’s and 90’s like I am, you most probably remember Air Bud, the heartwarming story of a boy and his dog, who can play basketball for some reason.

Side Note: Major points for whoever edited the Air Bud Wikipedia page to make Steven Seagal the dog.

Anyway, I think we can all agree that that was a decent children’s movie. The plot was weird, but it was acceptable for what it was, and it got its point across. I can even tolerate the sequel: Air Bud – Golden Reciever. It’s a good pun and it works well. Perhaps you will be as surprised as I am to know that Air Bud had four more sequels. Each one more ridiculous than the last. Since retiring from the National Football league, the dog has played soccer, baseball, and volleyball. And when they ran out of American sports, they tossed him into Australia and made him play rugby. Personally, I’m waiting for Air Bud 15: Curling.

Okay. Fine. That’s all well and good. My suspension of disbelief will stretch far enough to allow me to digest the idea of a dog that can play sports better than I can. The sequels were an understandable milking of the franchise. Whatever, Disney. But thanks for not insulting my intelligence.

Then they released Air Buddies.

Eat shit Disney.

From what I can gather, Air Bud and Female-Air Bud had children, each of which can play one of the sports of the original sequel, but now they can TALK! And they call each other “dawg.”

HOLY SHIT.

They had a sequel no body asked for, too, Snow Buddies. I believe they pulled for a dog sled team, but I didn’t care enough to do any further research.

Now this.

Space Buddies.

SPACE. BUDDIES.

Space isn’t even a SPORT. C’mon! What happened to the logical progression of a concept?

I’m not going to point out all the logical and scientific inconsistencies with the concept of the film, since I don’t think they were aiming for me to be their target audience. Disney, this not only offends me as an Aerospace Engineer, but it offends me as a HUMAN BEING.

Talking puppies in space with fart jokes. This is what children’s movies have become.  Granted, the Spuds Mackenzie reference was clever. But still. The only semblance of justice in this situation is that it has been relegated to the usual mediocrity of Straight-to-DVD releases.

In that vein, I have come to the conclusion that the era of the talking animals is over. Even the award-worthy masterpiece Beverly Hills Chihuahua could not stop this downfall. Gone are the glory days of Homeward Bound, Cats and Dogs, and Babe: Pig In The City. Sorry old friends, you are no longer relevant.

I would make an Old Yeller joke, but that hardly seems appropriate.

Man, the original Air Bud didn’t even talk. Shit.

Ganesh Out.

Video Game Demo: Resident Evil 5

The demo for the newest installment of the Resident Evil series was released last week. But since I own the overpowered PR nightmare that is the Playstation 3, I could only get my hands on it the other day.

To clarify, I haven’t been a long term Resident Evil fan. I skipped Resident Evils 1 through 3, and only bought 4’s Wii-adjusted (I didn’t mean to sound cute there, so please disregard) edition.  4 was a blast. The controls were tight and some of the most natural and intuitive that I’ve ever played.  The graphics were great for the system and it was an overall enjoyable experience.

Resident Evil 5 on the PS3 is a bit more frustrating. The aiming is slower and a bit more difficult due to the use of a thumbstick rather than a point and shoot interface. The weapon and item switching menu refuses to take you out of the action, and requires far more button presses that necessary for something that requires a quick reaction time. The default control scheme is also a pain to adjust to. I’m sorry, but if I need to push more than one button to use a knife, something is wrong.

On the other hand, the developers have included an extremely useful button action, which you can see in action here.

Despite these setbacks, the game shows a lot of promise and could be a very fun experience, with a rather steep learning curve. The graphics are predictably amazing and the ability to play co-op via split screen or over the internet is a great addition.

There are two levels in the demo: Public Assembly and Shanty Town. Public Assembly is basically you and your partner Sheva in a room fending off a metric ton of zombies (or Not-Zombies or whatever). Shanty Town is a more slow going experience which has you wiping out small groups of zombies here and there. I repeatedly got my ass handed to me in both of them, but that’s because I suck at video games, which completely invalidates this review. Oh well.

As it stands, I would rate this a CAUTIOUS BUY. But it doesn’t come out till next month, so there’s a while to wait, especially with Killzone 2 in the interim.

EDIT:

After an extended co-op play session and an chance to get used to the controls, I’m upgrading this to a BUY. Just for the co-op mode alone.

Ganesh Out.

Greetings And Salutations

Hello all, and welcome to my blog:  Scientifiction. This is the third in a series of increasingly failure-prone endeavors intended to cement my written consciousness into humanity’s cultural genetic memory.

Maybe I’ve been using too many big words. Or perhaps…not enough.

For those of you who aren’t aware, my name is Ganesh and I am currently in pursuit of a degree in the lucrative field of Aerospace Engineering. I write terrible short stories, of the science fiction variety, and have the futile hope that one day, they will be good enough for publication. I have ideas for everything, and thoughts about nothing. Anything else interesting about me, you can find out through the course of this blog. Or not. Your choice.

Now that we have that painful business out of the way…

I propose to craft a blog that details and summarizes all my thoughts on what I have learned during my time on this Earth. How this will exceed one post, I have yet to find out. But isn’t that part of the fun?

The answer to that question is: No.

What will follow, I hope for a substantial amount of time, is a series of musings and writings. Some will be opinionated, and others will be complete fiction. As with most writers, I will write what I know, and that includes Science, Humor, Nerd Pop-Culture and Science Fiction. But little else.  I have no intention to wax philosophical, political,  sociological, insightful, or even metallurgical, so if that is what you crave, seek ye elsewhere.

And without further ado:

Let there be blog.

And it was mediocre.

Ganesh out.